When parents practice tough love parenting, they adopt a parenting style that psychologists call authoritarian parenting. Find out if this parenting style is right for your child.
Table of Contents
What Is Authoritarian Parenting
Authoritarian parenting is a parenting style that is characterized by high demand but low responsiveness. Authoritarian parents require their children to meet high standards, yet they are cold and aloof to the child’s emotional needs.
The Characteristics Of Authoritarian Parenting Style
1. Authoritarian Parents are Demanding.
Authoritarian parents have many rules and very high standards. Many of these rules are in place to exert control over child behavior or activities, and children are expected to follow these rules from a young age.
Some rules are arbitrary, and some are never even explained – the children are just supposed to know and follow them.
When a child fails to comply, whether to an explicit rule or an implicit one, authoritarian parents believe that the child has done that out of either defiance or incompetence. Neither is acceptable in an authoritarian parent’s eyes.
2. Authoritarian Parents are Cold and Non-Nurturing.
Authoritarian parents seldom show warmth towards their children. In fact, they are often quite cold and harsh.
When they are upset with their children, authoritarian parents are also more likely to yell or berate.
They use the term “tough love” to justify their unresponsiveness and mean attitudes towards their kids.
These parents also withhold love when the kids are not meeting their expectations.
3. Authoritarian parents are controlling.
Authoritarian parents believe that they are the authority figures and that their kids should show obedience to authority without question.
Some authoritarian parents exert control over every aspect of their children’s lives, from the way the kids talk, to how they act at home or in public, what they wear, and what activities they participate in.
Authoritarian parents impose not only behavioral control but also psychological control over their children.
They don’t believe that children have the right or ability to make their own decisions. Children’s autonomous thinking is strongly discouraged. Kids are also discouraged from exploring or acting independently.
4. Authoritarian Parents Only Allow One-Way Communication.
Authoritarian parents rarely involve children in any decision making. They use reason such as “because I said so” when they demand children to simply do as they’re told.
They do not seek or allow feedback from their children.
Any attempt to reason with parents is seen as back-talking or a challenge to the parents’ authority.
Children of authoritarian parents are expected to be seen and not heard.
5. Authoritarian Parents Tend to Use Harsh Punishment.
Authoritarian parents often use fear to control and enforce rules. When children do not meet expectations of good behavior, the punishment can be harsh and stiff.
These parents are more likely to employ punitive measures to force kids into following the rules. For example, punitive punishment might be an excessive time-out, berating, shaming, or physical punishment (corporal punishment).
Authoritarian parents focus on punishment over teaching or modeling desirable behavior.
Effects of Authoritarian Parenting on a Child
Although individual differences can affect a child’s outcomes, studies have found that these effects of authoritarianism generally apply1:
- Are highly compliant and obedient at home and around their parents.
- Tend to be unhappy.
- Are less independent than other children.
- Become hostile and aggressive under pressure.
- Often display aggressive behavior problems outside the home, when the parents are not around2.
- Some children appear overly shy or fearful around people.
- Have poor social skills.
- Less likely to feel socially accepted by peers.
- May perform poorly in school3.
- Develop lower self-esteem4.
- Are less resilient after failure.
- Have a higher risk for drinking, smoking, substance abuse, or mental health problems like anxiety or suicide attempts. They are also more likely to suffer from depression5–9.
Authoritarian parenting is prevalent in many places, especially among the older generation. As the newer generation parents start to recognize the harm authoritarianism can do, those who still want to practice it try to portray it as an effective parenting method by calling it tough love.
Tough love parenting is an example of authoritarian parenting.
Some parents practice tough love parenting because they want to toughen up the child, and they mistakenly believe that being harsh to a child will make them strong.
Other parents use authoritarian parenting because they believe that being tough will instill discipline in the child, preventing them from making mistakes in the future and “ending up in jail”.
Some parents are also worried that if they are not being authoritarian, their children might “walk all over them”.
Those parents who allow their kids to walk all over them are called permissive parents. Permissive parents are warm and nurturing, but they either have no boundaries or do not consistently enforce the boundaries that are in place.
In contrast to what tough love parents believe, the opposite of high-responsiveness and low demanding (permissive parenting) is not low-responsiveness and high demanding (authoritarian parenting).
The problem with permissive parenting is not that the parents are warm and responsive, because research shows that responsive parents actually help children form secure attachment, which is beneficial. The actual problem with permissive parenting is not setting limits or not enforcing them consistently.
The opposite of permissive is non-permissive!
Authoritative parenting is a non-permissive parenting style that is both nurturing and has high standards, and is a much better parenting style to adopt.
Sometimes, it seems logical that practicing tough love parenting will prepare kids to face tough situations. But this has been proven to be not true.
A study was performed in Israel where 18-year-old men have to serve in mandatory military service. It was found that male adolescents who grew up in a non-nurturing environment coped and adapted worse in the tough military scenery than those who grew up in a nurturing household (Mayseless, et al., 2003).
Tiger parenting is another example of authoritarian parenting.
Although most studies conducted in western societies indicate that authoritarian parenting is an inferior parenting style, some studies find contradictory results in school performance among other cultures such as African American, Hispanic, or Asian communities.
In fact, a 2011 Wall Street Journal article sparked a huge debate across America on this exact topic.
In the article, the author claimed that the Chinese Tiger Mom parenting was superior to “western” parenting style.
A previous study in Chinese University of Hong Kong (1998) supported this claim. That study showed that in Hong Kong, kids with authoritarian parents had better academic achievement than those with authoritative parents10.
So, is it possible that the authoritarian, rather than authoritative, parenting style is indeed a better choice in some cultures?
Not really. There are inconsistent results among different studies.
Some researchers have found that even in Asia, authoritarian parenting is linked to worse academic performance while authoritative parenting produces better academic outcomes11.
A Chinese study on second graders shows that children with authoritarian parents are not only worse in academic achievement, but are also rated as poorer in social competence by their teachers. These children often show more aggression and are less accepted by peers.
Mental well-being is another problem students of Asian authoritarian parents have to face.
A study has found that harsh discipline, an authoritarian practice, is linked to more depressive symptoms among Chinese American adolescents12.
Final Thoughts on Authoritarian Parenting
A research study in Hong Kong shows that 54% of Chinese students aged 15 to 19 years old report suicidal ideation, compared to 36% of junior high and high school students in the United States13,14. This suicidal ideation is significantly associated with perceived authoritarian parenting, low parental warmth, high maternal over-control, negative child-rearing practices, and a negative family climate.
Between 1996 and 2004, more than half of suicides (11 of the 20) at Cornell University were committed by students of Asian descent. During that period, only 14% of enrolled students were Asian or Asian American15.
Data from the Centers for Decease Control and Prevention has also found that among women aged 15-24, Asian American females have the highest suicide rates across all racial or ethnic groups16.
No research is known to link the suicides at Cornell or the female suicidal rate directly to parenting style. But from the overwhelming amount of testimonials, you can imagine the damages this type of upbringing has done to many Asian and Asian American children.
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