A Guide To Earned Secure Attachment

Many children who grow up in dysfunctional families vow not to raise their own children in the same manner as their parents. Yet, when they become parents themselves, they often revert to what their parents did under stress.

According to the attachment theory, adverse childhood attachment history, such as having an abusive primary caregiver, can lead to insecure attachments, affecting their parenting behavior as an adult.^​1​ 

In turn, their parenting style affects their children’s childhood experiences, creating a cycle of dysfunction.^​2​

This generational trauma cycle, however, is not set in stone.

A parent can break the cycle of insecure style by developing an earned secure attachment over time.

What is an earned secure attachment

An earned secure attachment is a secure attachment developed after an adult has overcome their childhood attachment insecurity.

Earned-secure adults can rise above their malevolent childhood to break the intergenerational cycle.

Researchers have found that the parenting behavior of these parents is similar to that of parents with continuous secure attachments.^​3​ They are just as effective at parenting as those who have always been securely attached.^​4​

Why is earned secure attachment important

Insecure attachment styles in children or adults are financially, mentally, and physically costly. 

Insecurely attached children are more likely to have more behavioral problems, poorer academic performance, and worse self-image.

Adults with insecure attachment patterns are more likely to suffer from physical health issues like cancer and mental health issues like depression. They generally have lower self-esteem, fewer healthy relationships, and less life satisfaction.^​5​

Secure attachment has many clear benefits. An insecurely attached person becomes more secure as they earn adult attachment security later in life.

Earned security vs. continuous security

Research shows that insecure adults tend to speak incoherently about their unhappy childhood. On the other hand, secure adults can talk coherently about their happy childhood, while earned-secure adults can tell a coherent story about their unhappy childhood.

Adults with a continuous secure style can convincingly describe positive childhood experiences, positive feelings, and memorable events.

The earned secures can recount difficult childhoods without discounting the negative impacts of such experiences or becoming entangled in them like insecure individuals.

How to earn a secure attachment

Our brains can change and rewire over time through new experiences due to their plasticity.

Developing earned security is similar to developing early security. The difference is that earned security comes later in life.

Relationships are the key to earning a healthy attachment status. Interpersonal relationships can form attachments, obstruct attachments, or repair attachments. 

Security can be earned through a close, long-term relationship with a surrogate attachment figure who serves as a secure base. This new emotional experience can take place within or beyond a romantic relationship. The surrogate attachment figure can be a romantic partner, friend, mentor, or psychotherapist.

Earning new security is a process that can be long and involved. You must be dedicated and resolved to achieve it.

Research shows that the following factors can help one earn a secure attachment style more successfully.^​5​

Emotional support

Security comes from believing that you can count on others for support and that you are worthy of it.

Emotional support, validation, and never giving up by the loving attachment figure are crucial to earning new security.

Make sense of the past

It is vital to make sense of your past.

Reflect on your past experiences and redefine what it means to be in an adult relationship. You can gain new perspectives on your current relationship if you better understand what has happened in the past and how it has impacted your life.

Having an experienced and compassionate therapist will be particularly helpful in this process. They can help you process past events and build a coherent narrative.^​6​

Transform your self-identity

Changing how you perceive yourself, your identity, and your self-worth can help you take hold of your life and stop being a victim of circumstances.

To feel more secure, consider redefining your relationship with your family, yourself, and others.

Make intentional changes

The next step is to change how you want to relate to others within those relationships. Overcoming rough patches in this process is vital to gaining new security.

Become a mentor for others

Researchers have found that paying it forward and helping others who need the same support can help you gain attachment security.

Mentor young people or be a good friend who is always available but with boundaries. By becoming an attachment figure for someone else, you can connect with others and pass along the security.

Final thoughts on earned secure attachment style

It takes time to heal attachment wounds and establish a new secure attachment, so therapy is an excellent place to start.

You can explore your childhood narrative in a supportive and safe environment.

You will also learn to challenge unhelpful mental models that fuel insecurity with the help of a good licensed therapist.^​7​

References