3 Common Causes of Family Estrangement & How to Deal With It

• Family estrangement
• Statistics
• Causes
• Emotional abuse
• Effects
• How to fix estrangement
• How to move on

What is family estrangement?

Family estrangement is a separation within a family, often involving one or more family members choosing to withdraw from one another. It often happens between adult children and their parents, but estrangements between parents also exist. Completely cutting off contact and communication is one of the most common ways people distance themselves from their family or certain family members^​1​.

How common is family estrangement?

Family estrangement is quite common in the United States. According to a 1997 study on intergenerational relationships, 7% of adult children are estranged from mothers and 27% from fathers.^​2​ In another study conducted in four northeastern universities in 2015, 44% of the 354 undergraduate and graduate students experienced an estrangement^​3​

How long does family estrangement last?

The mean length of estrangement was 59.4 months or roughly 5 years in the same 2015 study by Richard P. Conti at Kean University in New Jersey. The duration ranged from 1 to 300 months among the 354 participants in the study.^​3​

What causes family estrangement?

Family estrangement is caused by the following three types of reasons, according to a large study involving 898 estranged parent-child pairs^​4​:

Personality characteristics

Family estrangement can be caused by the personality characteristics of the estranged person, including the following.

• mental illness
• self-centeredness, narcissism
• unsupported or unaccepted feelings or judgment
• immaturity
• differences in personal values^​5​ such as sexual orientation^​6​, gender identity, religious belief^​7​

Negative behavior

Negative behavior can cause rifts in parent-child relationships.

• abuse in childhood, including physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, abuse by siblings
• serious neglect or insensitivity
• rigid, controlling, or harsh parenting
• distant parenting style
• family conflict or rivalry
• existence or perception of parental favoritism
• lying or manipulation
• ambivalent about the parent-child relationship
• entitlement
• drug or alcohol abuse
• parental alienation – a child’s relationship with a parent is undermined or damaged by input from the alienating parent in intense marital conflicts​^​8​
• enmeshment​^​9​
• toxic behavior
• difficulties in managing anger and disappointment
• violation of social norms such as crime or incarceration^​10​

Do parents and children attribute the same causes to their estrangement?

No, parents and children often attribute their estrangement to different causes. The primary causes reported by parents are the parents’ divorce, children’s objectable relationships, or children’s sense of entitlement. The leading causes of family estrangement reported by adult children are parents’ toxic behavior, maltreatment, child abuse, neglect, or feeling unsupported and/or unaccepted.

What is the most common reason for family estrangement?

The most common reason for family estrangement is children’s objectionable relationships outside the family from the parents’ perspective and parents’ toxic behavior from the children’s perspective.

What type of interactions or events lead to familial estrangement?

Studies show that no one type of interaction, parenting style, or significant event leads to estrangement, although the disconnection often occurs after traumatic incidents. The adverse event usually serves as a trigger rather than the leading cause.

Who started family estrangement?

Children are more likely than parents to initiate the separation of relationships. More estranged parents than children do not know why they are estranged^​4​.

Is estrangement a form of abuse?

Yes, family estrangement due to parental alienation is a form of child emotional abuse^​11​. A child in this situation is manipulated by the malicious parent to falsely believe the other parent has abandoned or done something bad to the child. Such rifts are usually the results of bitter divorce or custody disputes in dysfunctional families.

What are the psychological effects of family estrangement?

The estranged member can suffer from shame, rejection, helplessness, abandonment, anger, embarrassment, and a loss of self-esteem. The estranged is at risk of depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues due to the stress of estrangement.

The instigating member can feel pressured to reconcile due to societal expectations. A child manipulated to alienate their parent can feel rejected and abandoned, resulting in lower self-esteem.

However, if the family member has estranged another member to get away from a toxic or abusive relationship, their quality of life and mental health can improve from the estrangement. Physical health can also benefit due to the removal of chronic stress.^​12​.

References