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Using Reverse Psychology In Parenting (DO NOT READ THIS)

| What is Reverse Psychology | How Does Reverse Psychology Work | Examples | Tips |

When we were little, our parents often had to remind us to clean up our toys. In most cases, after our frustrated parents leave our toy trucks on the floor for two hours, they decide to do something about them.

“Fine. Don’t put away your toys. I bet you don’t know how to do it yet. Let your brother help,” Mother said.

As if on cue, we shoved all the toys back into their places. 

We were not happy to clear up – rather we triumphed over what we were told not to do.

Using reverse psychology, our parents had actually won their battle over us in this common example.

boy plays with blocks on the ground

What is Reverse Psychology

Reverse psychology is advocating something opposite to the target behavior in order to get a target person to act in the way you want. Also known as strategic self-anticonformity (SSA), reverse psychology is an indirect form of influence​1​.

Through reverse psychology, you can encourage the other individual to engage in acceptable behavior you truly desire by pushing for the opposite of what you want. 

Reverse psychology is a form of manipulation​2​.

For this to work in parenting, the child is unaware of the expected negativity, disagreeableness, or contradiction from them.

How Does Reverse Psychology Work

Reverse psychology works because it is based on the following psychological phenomenon.

Agreeableness

Agreeableness is a dimension of personality.

It is common for children, and people in general, to be agreeable to varying degrees​3​.

An agreeable person tends to conform to requests, i.e. conformity. But stubborn people are expected to disagree with requests, i.e. anticonformity.

Strategic self-anticonformity is therefore more likely to work on a resistant person.

Reactance theory and Self-determination theory

Another reason why this persuasive technique works can be explained by the Reactance Theory by Brehm.

The Reactance Theory suggests that when a person’s freedom is threatened or compromised, they will seek (reactance) to regain it​4​.

Ryan and Deci’s Self-determination Theory provides a supporting argument. It believes that humans have three basic psychological needs – autonomy, competence, and relatedness​5​.

All people are motivated to receive or maintain these three qualities.

When they are threatened, as in reverse psychology tactics, people are motivated to act and do the opposite to avoid the purported outcome.

mother watches daughter do homework

Reverse Psychology Examples

Reverse psychology is a very common technique parents use to get their children to behave in a certain way.

Here are some classic examples of how reverse psychology techniques are used in parenting.

You’re not allowed to do homework

In preschoolers who haven’t been introduced to the concept of “homework,” this tactic works very well.

The parents tell the child they are not allowed to do homework if they misbehave. Only when they behave well do they get to do homework with their parents. Parents make homework a game when they work together so the child feels that homework is fun.

Doing homework becomes much more appealing when the parent states that the child will not have the autonomy to do it.

When children enter grade school, this trick can prevent them from disliking or avoiding homework.

Don’t do your homework

Getting older children to complete their homework is a challenge for many parents.

Punishment is commonly used by parents to get their children to comply.

The assumption is that punishment takes away the child’s freedom and therefore they will comply to regain control. 

However, there is another force at play here.

When threatened with punishment, the child also loses the freedom to choose to not do their homework.

The child’s compliance now depends on how agreeable they are and whether being free from punishment is more important than the freedom to ignore homework​6​.

This is why punishment rarely works for parents of strong-willed children.

Reverse psychology is a better solution for children who are less agreeable.

“Don’t do your homework if you don’t want to. It’s ok with me, but you won’t learn as much and may fail the class.”

Doing homework now becomes a win-win situation that can motivate your child. The child regains the autonomy that “don’t do your homework” was trying to remove. Their choice will also help them pass their class. 

Parents will be more likely to get the results they desire using this alternative approach than if they use punishment.

Also See: Strategies That Can Get Kids to Do Homework

Tips for Using Reverse Psychology

Here are some tips for parents who are thinking about using reverse psychology to get their children to comply.

Use this tactic sparingly

Using it on everything won’t work. 

Soon, your child will see through it. Your credibility as a parent will also be damaged.

Argumentative kids only

This technique works better for children who like to argue or disagree with their parents.

An agreeable child, on the other hand, may actually comply with what you ask.

Remind them of the consequence

Remind your child that they have a choice and that there are consequences when they choose one way or the other.

Only when you can accept the consequence

Be willing to accept the outcome even if your child doesn’t fall for it. If you don’t, you are blatantly lying and manipulating.

In the case where you say, “Don’t do your homework,” and they don’t, you must accept it. Remind them about the consequences of failing the class, but don’t backtrack on your words.

Therefore, use this strategy wisely or it will backfire​7​.

Final thoughts on using reverse psychology in parenting

Reverse psychology is a manipulative tactic that shouldn’t be relied upon entirely to control children. 

The best way to discipline is to build a close parent-child relationship so that they will listen to you instead of constantly disagreeing with you.

Your child will respond better to a direct approach when you have a good relationship with them.

References

  1. 1.
    Hajjat F. Is There Such a Thing as Reverse Psychology? Let’s Get Engaged! Crossing the Threshold of Marketing’s Engagement Era. Published online 2016:721-722. doi:10.1007/978-3-319-11815-4_218
  2. 2.
    Rudinow J. Manipulation. Ethics. Published online July 1978:338-347. doi:10.1086/292086
  3. 3.
    Verhoeven M, Junger M, Van Aken C, Deković M, Van Aken MAG. Parenting During Toddlerhood. Journal of Family Issues. Published online December 2007:1663-1691. doi:10.1177/0192513×07302098
  4. 4.
    Brehm JW. Control, Its Loss, and Psychological Reactance. Control Motivation and Social Cognition. Published online 1993:3-30. doi:10.1007/978-1-4613-8309-3_1
  5. 5.
    Deci EL, Ryan RM. Self-Determination. The Corsini Encyclopedia of Psychology. Published online January 30, 2010. doi:10.1002/9780470479216.corpsy0834
  6. 6.
    Rosenberg BD, Siegel JT. A 50-year review of psychological reactance theory: Do not read this article. Motivation Science. Published online December 2018:281-300. doi:10.1037/mot0000091
  7. 7.
    MacDonald G, Nail PR, Harper JR. Do people use reverse psychology? An exploration of strategic self-anticonformity. Social Influence. Published online January 2011:1-14. doi:10.1080/15534510.2010.517282

About Pamela Li

Pamela Li is a bestselling author. She is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Parenting For Brain. Her educational background is in Electrical Engineering (MS, Stanford University) and Business Management (MBA, Harvard University).

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