What to Say to a Child Who Lost a Parent

| How to help a grieving child | What to say | What not to say |

The death of a parent is one of the most traumatic events in a child’s life¹.

According to research, in the first two years after losing a parent, children are more likely to experience psychiatric problems. Those with depression or stressors in the family are most likely to suffer from depression or other mental illnesses ².

During this difficult time, it’s important to know how to support and help bereaved children.

How to help a grieving child

Here are some important ways the grieving parent, primary caregiver, or other adults can help the child cope during the grieving process.

Ask

Don’t avoid talking to the child about the loss of a parent or make it a taboo subject. And don’t pretend everything is normal or nothing has happened in front of your child.

Sometimes the surviving parent assumes their child is feeling a certain way or they assume they know what’s best for their child.

But different children have different ways to grieve. We don’t know exactly what they want until we ask.

So, the best way to help is to ask them how they feel, and what they need.

Encourage them to talk. But if they are not ready, respect their silence.

Listen

When they are ready to talk, listen attentively.

Children sometimes have difficulty expressing their feelings, needs, and grief. Help them put their feelings into words. Use statements such as:

“I want to be able to understand what you are feeling or thinking.”

“I need your help to understand what you are feeling.”

Validate

The loss of a parent sometimes creates difficult conversations. It is natural for adults to want to solve their children’s problems.

When they express sadness, we instinctively want to help them move on from it. We may say things like, “Don’t cry” or “Don’t be sad.”

The problem is that saying such things invalidates the child’s feelings. During this healing process, we must provide emotional support, not emotional invalidation.

Validating one’s feelings is essential for children of all ages³, but it is particularly important for children dealing with the pain of grief.

If your child expresses how they feel, acknowledge them. Do not dismiss or trivialize the emotions.

Feelings are neither right nor wrong. Do not make kids feel that having emotions is not the right thing to do.

Answer accurately

Even though adults want to be supportive, talking to a child about death can be uncomfortable. Even adults find it difficult to discuss death with each other.

Young children may not fully comprehend the permanence of death. They may have a lot of questions.

Depending on their level of maturity and previous experiences with death, you may not want to give too much information about the death or you may need to adapt the information to the child’s maturity level.

However, telling half-truths or avoiding the subject is not a healthy way to deal with this as it hinders healing, trust, and communication⁴.

Help them retain good memories

Ask them about their favorite memories with the lost parent.

Help them retain the good memories that will stay with them forever, even after the parent has passed away.

These memories usually provide great comfort to children⁵. When this triggers good feelings, ask the child to remember how good they feel. Teach them to retrieve this memory whenever they miss their parent.

Reassurance

Depending on the type of loss, some children who lose one parent are anxious about the survival of the other. As a defense mechanism, they may conceal their distress from the bereaved parent.

Assure the child that they are in a safe space. They will be taken good care of and it is okay to feel and show sadness⁶.

Check-in regularly

It’s common for friends and family to show strong support immediately following the time of loss, but then they go about their lives without taking the time to inquire how the child is doing later.

Every child’s experience of grief is different. There is no specific time frame for “how long does it take to grieve a parent”. Some children need more time to process information and move on from this stage.

Check in with them from time to time, particularly on special occasions such as Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. Ask how they are doing. Even if you cannot do much, you are showing that you care.