Emotional regulation is not something we are born with. Toddlers have no emotional regulation skills. Their emotions can swing like a pendulum. Helping our kids learn to self-regulate is one of the most important tasks in raising children.
This article will address the importance of emotional self-regulation, how it is developed and how we can help our children acquire this crucial skill.
Table of Contents
The Importance Of Emotional Self-Regulation
- Family Relationship
- Peer Relations
- Academic Performance
- Resilience And Mental Health
- Success And Well-Being
The Science Of Emotional Regulation
- Nature Or Nurture?
- Life Experiences And Brain Architecture
- Sensitive Period
- The Sympathetic And Parasympathetic Nervous System
How Young Children Learn Emotion Self-Regulation
What Is Emotional Regulation / Emotional Intelligence?
Emotional regulation consists of internal and external processes involved in initiating, maintaining, and modulating the occurrence, intensity, and expression of emotions (Parthasarathy, 2016).
To regulate emotions, one needs to monitor, recognize and adapt emotions optimally according to the situation.
Note that optimal emotional adaptation does not always mean decreasing negative emotions and increasing positive ones. For example, when a child is hurting, parents can regulate their own emotions to experience grief and show empathy to the child for support.
Emotional Intelligence is one’s ability to perceive other’s emotions, discern them, and use that information to facilitate their own thinking, problem solving, acting and regulating emotions. An emotionally intelligent person not only can self-regulate, but they also can influence and manage other’s emotions.
The Importance Of Emotional Self-Regulation
To be emotionally intelligent, emotional regulation is the first and foremost requirement.
Not only that, emotional regulation by itself is paramount to the quality of life because it affects almost every aspect of our living.
A child who cannot self-regulate and throws tantrums constantly puts a strain on the parent-child relationship.
Failure to regulate emotions can cause a child to develop unfavorable personalities such as anger, aggression, withdrawn or anxiety that can interfere with the child’s social competence.
A child who lacks emotional regulation skills has a harder time making or keeping friends.
Studies in the past few decades have shown that peer relation is a very influential factor in a child’s development.
Children who are rejected by their peers are at risk for negative outcomes such as school dropout, delinquency, psychopathology and substance abuse.
Those who are withdrawn and rejected by peers are also more likely to become targets of bullying.
Emotional regulation is a strong predictor of academic performance. Good emotion management allows a student to focus on performing during evaluations and exams instead of being impaired by anxiety.
Students who can self-regulate have better attention and problem solving capabilities necessary for cognitive functioning.
Good emotional self-control strategies also lead to better performance in tasks involving delayed gratification, inhibition and long term goal achievement.
Resilience And Mental Health
Effective emotional regulatory skills allow a child to have higher distress tolerance. The child is more resilient when facing distress at home, in school or elsewhere.
Many clinical child disorders are closely related to emotional regulation, or rather, dysregulation.
For example, emotional dysregulation causes many behavioral problems common in conduct disorders such as Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Emotional dysregulation is also a significant risk factor in anxiety disorders, eating disorders and clinical depression.
Success And Well-Being
For grownups, emotions play an important role in adaptation.
An adult who cannot master emotional regulation enjoys less job satisfaction or general well-being.
Experts agree that emotion regulation is one of the most important skills in a child’s development.
The Science Of Emotional Regulation
Nature Or Nurture?
Researchers have found that some babies are innately more capable of regulating emotions than others. Whether a child has inhibited or uninhibited temperament can affects infants’ ability to self-regulate.
However, this ability is not set in stone. Children can learn to manage emotions given an appropriate environment.
A study in a Romanian orphanage illustrates this point well.
In this control study, a group of orphans were randomly assigned to foster homes with high quality care while another group stayed in the orphanage. The adopted children showed a significant improvement in emotional regulation over the group that stayed.
While genetics are important in emotion regulation development, the environment a child grows up in is just as important, if not more.
Life Experiences And Brain Architecture
When babies are born, their brains are not yet well developed.
Developing a baby’s brain is in some way akin to building a house.
First, there is the genetic makeup. Genetics determines a basic plan for a child’s brain development. It acts as a blueprint for the brain’s architecture.
Then there are life experiences (the environment). Life experiences are the construction materials for this precious brain-house. They can have a profound influence on the developmental foundation.
Some skills are better or easier learned during certain periods in life. These optimal times are called the sensitive periods.
After the sensitive period of learning a skill has passed, there is a gradual decline in the ability to become proficient. It is still possible to acquire the new skill but it will take longer or be less likely to reach optimal proficiency.
To continue the analogy, when building a house, once the foundation is laid and certain structures complete, it will be harder, although not impossible, to make changes on those structures.
For instance, a young child can learn a second language and attain proficiency much easier than adults can. Once kids reach puberty, they are more likely to have trouble with phonology or grammatical processing. So the sensitive periods for new language acquisition is believed to be before puberty.
In the Romanian orphanage project, orphans who were adopted by foster family before the age of 2 developed emotional regulation skills comparable to those of the never institutionalized children. The sensitive period of emotional regulation is therefore before a child turns 2.
But it doesn’t mean that once kids pass the age of 2, they have completely missed the opportunity to learn. It only means it will be more challenging or will take longer to develop.
The point is although our brains are flexible (plastic), the plasticity decreases with age.
Therefore, when it comes to self-regulation development, it is better to do it right the first time when the kids are young than to fix it later.
The Sympathetic And Parasympathetic Nervous System
In our brains, the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) regulates emotions by utilizing two sub-divisions:
- The sympathetic nervous system, and
- The parasympathetic nervous system
The Sympathetic division is an emergency or quick response mobilizing system. Its primary job is to activate the body’s fight-or-flight response. You can think of this as the gas pedal in a car. When activated, it allows our bodies to engage and move quickly by speeding up heart rate, shutting down our digestion and making more glucose available in the blood for energy.
The Parasympathetic division is a slowly activated calming or dampening system. It produces the rest-and-digest response for the body to relax and recover from daily living. This is like the brake in a car. When activated, it creates a calming effect in our bodies by slowing down heart rate, increasing digestion and conserving energy. Activation of the parasympathetic nervous system can also counter the arousal effect created by the sympathetic nervous system.
The autonomic nervous system is crucial in controlling our bodily functions and emotional well-being. When the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems are acting in balance (homeostasis), our bodies (the “car”) run properly and we are in emotional control.
But when the system is out of balance, emotional regulation is needed to bring our emotions (and bodies) back into a healthy, balanced state.
Since the fight-or-flight response is critical for human survival, it is no coincidence that part of the sympathetic nervous system has already developed at birth. Even though babies cannot literally fight-or-flight, activation of the sympathetic nervous system can arouse a baby to alert parents to danger through crying.
The parasympathetic nervous system, however, is not as well developed at birth.
Infants have some limited self-directed regulatory behaviors such as thumb sucking, visual avoidance and withdrawal. However, these behaviors have limited effectiveness, especially if the arousal is too high or if the stimulus persists. When babies have uncontrollable cries, it is up to us, the parents, to help them regulate their bodies and emotions.
How Young Children Learn Emotion Self-Regulation
(Disclosure: I get a small commission for purchases made through the link below.)
Since early life experiences and environments are so crucial in shaping the foundation of brains, it is important to understand how parents can provide the optimal experiences for their children to learn to self-regulate.
Many factors can affect a child’s emotional regulation development. Besides families, schools, neighborhoods, peers and culture can all play a role in the process.
Here, we focus on parents and families because these are the direct components and often the most important ones in a young child’s development that are under the parents’ control.
Young children learn to regulate emotions through three main family-related channels.
Modeling has long been recognized as an important mechanism through which children learn. Whether it’s reaction, behavior or habit, children carefully observe parents’ every move, study it, internalize it and then mimic.
Parents’ own ability to regulate emotions is one of the first emotion-related modeling children see. Kids learn about the “correct” emotional response in different situation by watching parents’ emotional display and interactions.
If a parent is reactive and curses whenever something goes wrong, the child learns to be reactive and misbehave when things don’t go their way.
If a parent is calm and think critically to solve problems, the child learns to stay calm and look for solutions instead of blames.
The younger the child, the more susceptible they are to parental characteristics.
Besides active observation, children also learn about emotion regulation through emotion contagion.
Emotion contagion occurs when children unconsciously sense their parents’ emotions. When parents frown, raise their voice or pose angry gestures, a similar response is induced in children.
For example, when parents are frustrated or angry and yell at the kids, the kids are more likely to response with similar emotions.
Peer influence is more pronounced as the child grows older. Older kids learn about emotions through social referencing. They look to not only their own parents, but also other grownups and their peers for emotional information.
To help their children to learn effective emotion regulation, parents can
- acquire adaptive emotional regulation skills themselves,
- display positive emotion, and
- expose kids to environment that is positive and people in it possess effective emotion regulation skills.
2. Parenting Style And Practices
In infants and young children, warm, responsive and accepting practices can lead to positive emotional regulation results.
When parents are responsive, children associate parents with distress relief. Researchers find that a baby whose parent is responsive to crying stop crying at the sight or sound of the parent in anticipation of being picked up. If the parent does not follow through with the usual supportive act, the baby returns to the distressed state.
Parents’ own belief in emotion management has a big impact on children’s ability to self-regulate.
Parents who accept, empathize and validate their children’s negative emotions tend to affect their kids’ emotion regulation positively. These parents are aware of their children’s emotions. They coach the kids to verbalize their emotions and encourage problem solving.
On the other hand, parents who are dismissive or disapprove of expressing emotions, especially negative ones, tend to result in the development of maladaptive regulation. These parents are uncomfortable expressing emotions and coach the kids to suppress their expression.
Parents who have negative or punitive responses to their children’s emotional displays can lead to heightened arousal (more activated sympathetic nervous system) which makes the child harder to calm down. To some parents, it may appear as if the child had become more defiant when the child was just too aroused.
These children have poorer regulation skills to calm a more aroused system! Punitive parenting practices are counterproductive in teaching emotion regulation.
Studies also found that overly discouraging or encouraging children to express negative emotions results in more anger management problems. Parents who are calm or neutral to children’s anger are more likely to have lower levels of anger expressed by their kids.
Teaching coping strategies (e.g. take a deep breathe), redirecting attention (e.g. look, here is a red bunny!) and reframing the situation (e.g. we can turn this into a rocket) have also been shown in studies to be beneficial to children’s regulation.
3. Family Emotional Climate
The overall “climate” of the family is a good predictor of children’s ability to self-manage their emotions. It is the amount of positive versus negative emotions displayed towards one another in the family. It reflects the type of intrapersonal dynamics at play within the family.
Factors that affect emotional climate include the parents’ characteristics, parent-child relationships, sibling relationships, parenting style, the family’s belief in expressing emotions and the marital relations.
Positive emotional environment is consistently linked to adaptive children emotion regulation whereas negativity and tension is linked to maladaptive strategies.
When the emotional climate is positive, responsive and consistent, children feel accepted and secure.
When the emotional climate is negative, coercive or unpredictable, children tend to be more reactive and insecure.
Parenting style represents parental attitudes toward children. Authoritative parents who are warm and nurturing are responsive to children’s emotional needs. Children from these households tend to have a wider range of emotional regulation strategies at their disposal.
Family expressivity is the amount of emotions, both positive and negative, expressed in the family. Although acceptance of children’s emotion expression is linked to better emotional regulation, not all parental expressivities are helpful in setting a favorable family climate.
Parents who express positive emotions create a positive climate. However, parents who express high levels of negative emotions, such as anger, hostility or criticisms, result in a negative environment which is linked to worse emotional regulation in children.
One of the most common reasons for negative family climate is probably marital conflicts. Children from these families learn maladpative ways to manage interpersonal conflicts and emotions. These children are also less likely to develop social competence.
- Parthasarathy, A. (2016). IAP Textbook of pediatrics. JP Medical Ltd.
- Salovey, P., Hsee, C. K., & Mayer, J. D. (1993). Emotional intelligence and the self-regulation of affect.
- Thompson, R. A. (1991). Emotional regulation and emotional development. Educational Psychology Review, 3(4), 269-307.
- Parker, J. G., & Asher, S. R. (1987). Peer relations and later personal adjustment: Are low-accepted children at risk? Psychological Bulletin, 102(3), 357. Retrieved from https://search.proquest.com/docview/203484435?accountid=42654
- Perry, D. G., Kusel, S. J., & Perry, L. C. (1988). Victims of peer aggression. Developmental psychology, 24(6), 807.
- Petrides, K. V., Sangareau, Y., Furnham, A., & Frederickson, N. (2006). Trait emotional intelligence and children’s peer relations at school. Social Development, 15(3), 537-547.
- Côté, S., & Morgan, L. M. (2002). A longitudinal analysis of the association between emotion regulation, job satisfaction, and intentions to quit. Journal of organizational Behavior, 23(8), 947-962.
- Shonkoff, J. P. (2007). The timing and quality of early experiences combine to shape brain architecture: working paper no. 5. Cambridge, MA: National Scientific Council on the Developing Child. http://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/reports_and_working_papers/working_papers/wp5/
- Tronick, E. Z. (1989). Emotions and emotional communication in infants. American psychologist, 44(2), 1
- Johnson, J. S., & Newport, E. L. (1989). Critical period effects in second language learning: The influence of maturational state on the acquisition of English as a second language. Cognitive psychology, 21(1), 60-99.
- McLaughlin, K. A., Sheridan, M. A., Tibu, F., Fox, N. A., Zeanah, C. H., & Nelson, C. A. (2015). Causal effects of the early caregiving environment on development of stress response systems in children. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 112(18), 5637-5642.
- Schore, A. N. (2015). Affect regulation and the origin of the self: The neurobiology of emotional development. Routledge.
- Parke, R. D. (1994). Progress, paradigms, and unresolved problems: A commentary on recent advances in our understanding of children’s emotions. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly (1982-), 157-169.
- Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory Englewood Cliffs.
- Saarni, C., Campos, J. J., Camras, L. A., & Witherington, D. (1998). Emotional development: Action, communication, and understanding. Handbook of child psychology.
- Vaish, A., Grossmann, T., & Woodward, A. (2008). Not all emotions are created equal: the negativity bias in social-emotional development. Psychological bulletin, 134(3), 383.
- Morris, A. S., Silk, J. S., Steinberg, L., Myers, S. S., & Robinson, L. R. (2007). The role of the family context in the development of emotion regulation. Social development, 16(2), 361-388.
- Eisenberg, N., Cumberland, A., & Spinrad, T. L. (1998). Parental socialization of emotion. Psychological inquiry, 9(4), 241-273.
- Lunkenheimer, E. S., Shields, A. M., & Cortina, K. S. (2007). Parental emotion coaching and dismissing in family interaction. Social Development, 16(2), 232-248.