Words of encouragement, when used right, can have powerful positive effects on kids. Here are 6 proven ways to encourage kids without negative side effects.
Encouraging words for kids are commonly given out in school and at home. When used right, these encouraging words can have powerful positive effects on kids. This is because positive reinforcement can condition a child to repeat the praised behavior.
Whether it’s academic or sports achievements, “Well done”, “Good job” or “You’re so smart” are common praises to tasks well done.
But using these encouraging words doesn’t always produce the desired increase in motivation. In fact, using them indiscriminately can be counter-productive.
Benefits of Encouraging Kids
Using the right encouraging words can
- Improve kids’ self-esteem.
People with high self-esteem are found to be happier and mentally healthier, whereas those with low self-esteem tend to be psychologically distressed and perhaps even depressed.
- Increase intrinsic motivation to achieve.
- Enhance perseverance.
What is the Right Way to Encourage
If encouraging and praising are so useful, does it mean that you should praise your child lavishly, and your kid will then be so motivated that you will never have to worry about them not working hard in school?
Not all encouraging words are equal. If used indiscriminately, some types of encouragement can actually do more harm than good.
The key is in how and when children are praised.
Here are 6 tips on using words of encouragement for kids effectively.
1. Praise Sincerely And Honestly
We sometimes praise our children purposely to boost their self-esteem, motivate them, encourage certain behavior, or protect from them from hurtful feelings. However, if praises are not perceived as sincere and honest, children won’t feel very encouraged.
Insincere praises are not only ineffective, but they can also be harmful.
Praises that are inconsistent with self-view may be perceived as insincere. These encouraging words are discounted when children think about their own behavior that is contrary to the praise (“That’s not true. I actually wasn’t that good.”). Such praises can lead to children’s self-criticism and even intentional sabotage to resolve such discrepancy.
Effusive or overly general praises may also be perceived as insincere because the more general the praise, the less likely it is consistent with the existing facts. (“I’m not an angel. I didn’t do my homework last night.”)
Not praising spontaneously or praising to reinforce or manipulate behavior are perceived to be insincere as well.
|You’re a genius for solving that problem! (“Genius? I only got one out of three questions!”)||You came up with a very good answer for the last question.|
|What an angel you are! (“I’m an angel for sharing a cookie? What about not doing homework last night?”)||It’s generous of you to share your cookie.|
|You did very well. I’m sure you will do well again next time.||I like the solution you came up with.|
Related: What Motivates Your Child
2. Be Specific And Descriptive
Instead of sweeping praises, encourage children using descriptive and specific comments. The less general or generic the praise, the more likely it is factually correct and perceived as sincere.
Point out a specific aspect of the child’s performance and describe what behavior led to good results (“It was good to sort by shape.”)
Specific and descriptive comments signal you have paid attention and you really care.
|That’s awesome!||I like the way you are using different colors on these balls.|
|Good job!||You came up with a thoughtful answer and really nailed that question!|
3. Praise Their Effort And The Process, Not Ability
One of the reasons why human is the smartest animal on Earth is because we want to learn and understand cause and effect of matters. Attribution Theory says that the causes people attribute to events affect how they think of and respond to future events.
When children are praised for their effort expended in doing it, they learn to attribute the success to their effort. Effort is a quality that we have the power to control or improve through hard work and practice. These children will therefore focus more on developing skills than on pursuing results per se.
Mastery encouragement helps children adopt a growth mindset that believes in practicing and improving skills. This learning orientation mindset can increase children’s intrinsic motivation, persistence and enjoyment. Following failure, these children believe that they have failed because they simply have not tried hard enough. So they are motivated to try again and tend to improve in performance. In other words, these kids are resilient.
On the other hand, children praised for abilities are attribute the success to the abilities rather than their own effort. Such praises do motivate children who have succeeded to do more and try harder. On the surface, this type of encouragement can increase kids’ motivation. But once these children encounter failure in the praised domain, they also quit faster.
Ability praise sent a subtle message that previous success was due to the praised traits. Failure then implies a lack of a fixed ability. Children with this fixed mindset give up trying more easily when things become difficult. They suffer from achievement-based helplessness. Those who cannot recover to try again after experiencing failure lack the resilience needed to succeed in life.
So praising ability has an immediate benefit in motivation, but it also has a long-term cost in vulnerability when facing failure or difficult situations.
However, ability-vs-effort is not the only determining element in the effectiveness of an encouragement. Other factors include age of the child (can they distinguish ability/effort?) and context of the praise (are they praised after another event that can have other implications?).
To avoid those potential pitfalls, parents can praise the process, which is another type of encouragement related to effort. Process includes not only effort, but also other qualities such as strategies, thoughtfulness, concentration, self-corrections, etc.
Related: Resilience In Children
|What a smart boy!||I can see that you worked very hard on this.|
|Your ability in puzzle solving is excellent.||Your strategy in solving this puzzle was excellent!|
|You are such a great puzzle-solver!||You are good at trying different ways to solve a hard puzzle.|
4. Avoid Controlling Or Conditional Praise
Controlling praise is different from positive informational feedback used to affirm a child’s progress, improvement, or task mastery. It is given with the intent to manipulate or control.
Statement such as “Good! I know you can do better” is intended to motivate the child to try harder next time.
When praise is used as a controlling tool, they utter approval and positive evaluation which is contingent upon good results or performance. These conditional encouragements instill a sense of contingent self-worth in kids.
Children as young as two years old develop a sense of self-worth. Self-worth is a general positive / negative regard (or good / bad) that they feel they deserve from others.
Children who view themselves as having positive self-worth describe themselves in positive terms. They have high self-esteem and usually attribute success or failure to effort.
Children who view themselves as having negative self-worth describe themselves in negative terms. They have low self-esteem and usually attribute success or failure to abilities.
When kids view that their feelings of self-worth are contingent on approval and positive judgement, they seek goals that are self-valuation focused. These kids’ self-worth is then contingent on reaching the goals. For example, if a child feel that his self-worth is affected by how well he plays football, then his goals will be to perform well in practice and matches to increase or maintain a positive self-worth. He will also avoid activities that may result in negative judgement.
To some parents, this may be what they want.
However, it also means that these children will not want to try new things fearing novelty means less expertise to achieve good results. These kids are also less creative and innovative because innovation can potentially disrupt the culture norm resulting in negative judgement. They are also less self-directing and prefer conformity.
It is also worth noting that the negative impact of controlling praises is bigger on girls than on boys.
|I’m sure you will want to do better next time.||You’ve worked hard on this and you’re doing great.|
|You did very well on that one, just as expected.||You did very well on that one.|
|Good job! I bet you can do better next time.||I like how you’ve drawn this picture using bright colors.|
|If you keep it up, I believe you will do very well.||You did really well in collecting the data.|
5. Avoid Comparison Praise
It’s easy to fall into the habit of praising by comparison. After all, that’s how most of us were raised — we were compared in school, in sports, in extracurricular activities, in university entrance exams such as SAT or ACT, at work, etc.
At times, those comparisons can motivate us to study or work harder.
The problem is it can also backfire when we fail.
Think about how it feels when you compare yourself with a more successful peer. When we perform well, we are excited and motivated. But when we fail, it probably depresses rather than motivates us.
Similarly, comparison praising leaves children vulnerable to future setbacks. Kids who are praised by comparison don’t stop comparing when they fail. Instead, they lose motivation faster.
When these children face difficulties, they demonstrate more negative emotion, frustration and helplessness than children who are mostly praised for their mastery of the task. They become less resilient.
Like conditional praise, social-comparison praise teaches children that winning, not learning, is the goal. This winning-oriented attitude reduces intrinsic motivation affecting children’s desire to learn or to overcome failure.
To prevent failure, these kids avoid challenges or stop learning new things that require skills they don’t already have an advantage over others.
|You are so good, just like your sister.||You are good at playing this game.|
|You are even smarter than Jane!||You solved the problem with such great focus!|
6. Avoid Easy-Task Praise Or Over-Praise
There are multiple negative impacts when adults praise easy tasks or overpraise.
Handing out encouraging words for tasks that are easy to complete can be perceived as insincere. Praising easy tasks implies that there has been a lower expectation of the child’s competence originally.
Children who are subjected to frequent praises learn to select only those things they think will please their parents and avoid doing those things that may not. They follow a pattern known to bring praise rather than to experiment with something new.
When words of encouragement are given unexpectedly, it can be very motivating.
Overpraising, however, condition children to expect praises every time. It becomes an extrinsic reward that reduces, not increases, motivation. Frequent praising also leads children to believe absence of praise signifies failure.
Praises are counterproductive especially when they are given out indiscriminately. They may create over-inflated self-image resulting in narcissistic children.
This is particularly problematic with the Y generation. As they enter the workforce, they expect constant praise. Some companies even had to hire praise consultants to instruct older partners on how to encourage and praise their new younger employees to maintain morale.
Overpraising also make children feel pressured to perform every single time or believe in contingent self-worth.
“If I’m valued because I have always met these high standards, does it mean I’m worthless if I fail?”
Praise is a double-edged sword. But if parents use it properly, it can be a very powerful motivating force and learning tool.
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