Although helicopter parents have earned quite a negative reputation in mainstream media, researchers have not found consistently negative impacts on children. Some studies actually found that this parenting style could produce favorable results in grown children due to the parents’ intense support1. Find out the pros and cons of this parenting style.
What is a Helicopter Parent
The meaning of helicopter parenting is loosely defined as parenting that pays excessive attention to children’s every move and experience. Helicopter parents are highly involved, overprotective parents who tirelessly oversee every aspect of their children’s lives and sometimes even act on their behalf.
Helicopter parents are sometimes called hovering parents because they hover over their children. They make noise like a helicopter and swoop in to rescue their children at first sign of trouble.
Originally, the term “helicopter parenting” signals that the parent is among the Baby Boomers (i.e. born between 1940s to 1960s), and the children are members of the Millennial generation (born between 1980s to 2000s). This term gained attention and notoriety in the early 2000s just as the millennials began reaching college age. University admission officials and college professors started experiencing the parents’ intrusive behavior and denouncing it publicly.
Hovering parents cannot let go of their kids. These parents are infamous for practices such as sitting in on the child’s admission interview, calling school administrators at 11pm to report a mouse in their child’s dorm room, and complaining to the professor about a disappointing grade their kid has received2.
In recent years, this term is also used to describe parents of any generation who show excessive monitoring and protective behavior in ways inappropriate for their child’s developmental stage.
Signs of A Helicopter Parent
One of the characteristics of helicopter parenting is that the parents micromanage their children’s life. While young children do require parents’ supervision, control and guidance to learn the rules of the world, these parents do it at a developmentally inappropriate level.
Helicopter parents monitor their children constantly. They control their children’s behavior and insist on helping with tasks their children can do alone. When their children face the slightest obstacle, they dive in to rescue immediately.
Examples of Helicopter Parenting
Here are some examples of helicopter parenting in different stages of a child’s life.
In toddlerhood, it makes sense to protect little kids from danger. However, over-involved parents might shadow their little ones incessantly. When the kid plays with a new toy, they shows their kids the “right” way to play with it and correct them if the kid tries to use it in a different way. The kid doesn’t have the space or opportunity to try and figure things out on their own. When the kid plays with other kids, these parents direct the child’s behavior and how they should interact with others. Falling and getting scratches are a normal part of toddlerhood as the kid learns to walk, but the parents hover over their toddlers to avoid any minor accident. A mildly scraped knee can stress out them intensely.
In elementary school, a helicopter mom or dad may go to great lengths to get her child into a certain school or a certain teacher. She not only supervises, but also helps her kid complete their school work or projects.
In middle school, a helicopter mom or dad selects their child’s best friend and activities for them. Their kids’ preferences are usually not taken into account because they believe they know what’s the best for their children.
In high school, the parent might take on the responsibility of researching and selecting the universities for their child to apply to. They watch over their kid’s shoulder when the kid applies to colleges. They may even call the admission office for an explanation if their child has not gotten into their dream school.
In college, the parent might request an extension for their child or complete assignments for them. They contact the president of the university, the dean, or the professor to dispute their child’s poor grades. They may even attend job fairs and interview with their child3.
The Effects of Helicopter Parenting
Despite the lopsided negative portrayal in popular media, a number of studies have found both positive and negative outcomes associated with helicopter parenting. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting.
Pros – Positive Effects of Helicopter Parenting
Educators have long accepted that parental participation in the educational experiences of their children is a good thing. Appropriate parent involvement is one of the benefits of helicopter parenting. It is critical to a student’s intellectual and emotional development, and academic success4.
Research has found that a parent’s involvement fosters more positive attitudes in the kid toward school, improves homework habits, reduces absenteeism and dropping out, and enhances academic achievement5.
At the university level, new study has noted parental involvement has positive impacts on student development areas such as alcohol, decision making skills, life skills, physical health, mental health issues, and career development6.
Intense support from these parents in areas including financial, advice and emotional has also proven to be valuable. For example, adult children of helicopter parents who provide intense support have better psychological adjustment and life satisfaction compared to those who have not.
Cons – Negative Effects of Helicopter Parenting
Despite the findings on parental involvement, multiple studies have indicated that overprotective parenting can result in negative effects in children’s mental health problems.
Children whose parents involve in their education at developmentally inappropriate levels are found to have worse psychological health. They are more prone to anxiety and depression, and substance abuse7.
Adolescents and young adults are particularly affected. These children have been shielded from difficult things in real life since they were little kids. They tend to be more neurotic and have a harder time becoming independent. They have an overwhelming fear of failure8, low self-esteem and poor coping skills to deal with problems in everyday lives9.
In adult children, helicopter parenting is also associated with higher levels of narcissism and sense of entitlement10.
Because these parents are the driving force behind education seeking, their children have extrinsic motivation to learn, which is found to be associated with lower academic performance11.
Is Helicopter Parenting Good or Bad
So why is there a big divergence in the results of helicopter parenting studies?
This inconsistency is mainly caused by the fact that “helicopter parenting” is not a well defined term in psychology. Unlike the four Baumrind parenting styles, there isn’t an universally agreed upon definition on what constitutes helicopter parenting. As a result, various studies using different definitions show both positive and negative consequences of this parenting style.
By inspecting the different interpretations, researchers have found that it’s not the amount of involvement, but the type of involvement perceived by the child, that determines whether the “helicoptering” will benefit or harm the kid12.
This is good news to protective parents because they can fine-tune their parenting into the type that helps, and not impedes, their children’s healthy development.
This phenomenon can be explained by the Self-determination Theory. According to the Self-determination Theory, there are three basic human psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness13.
When these needs are met, an individual experiences better health and well-being. They are intrinsically motivated to achieve and able to undergo growth and development14.
A supportive family environment, one that provides autonomous support to the kid can satisfy those needs. Autonomy supportive parents allow children to take an active role in making their own decisions and solving their own problems. These children are more competent and feel confident in their ability to interact with their environment. This type of parenting leads to better social and emotional adjustment in children.
On the other hand, a family environment that doesn’t allow autonomy cannot meet those needs15. Children with intrusive parents do not perceive to have much control over their own lives. They tend to have worse outcomes.
Being autonomy supportive doesn’t mean allowing the kid to behave any way they want. It means the child perceives the parent as non-controlling and they encourage independence.
“Helicoptering” can be beneficial if the kid experiences it as supportive and not controlling. But if children’s experiences are perceived as being controlled, it doesn’t matter whether the parent is supportive because without autonomy, the child won’t flourish in their development.
How To Stop Helicopter Parenting
Most parents who “helicopter” have good intentions. Any parent wants their children to be healthy, happy and successful. They want to help and support their kids in their parenting journey.
However, such parents are often perfectionist parents who makes their children’s success their parenting priority. They become an overly involved parent. As a result, their “help” or “support” becomes controlling.
To break free from helicopter parenting, draw the line between helping and controlling. It’s great to be a helpful and supportive parent as long as we don’t cross the line and start directing, or worse dictating, our children’s every move.
A low grade, a wrong college, being rejected from a sports team or a botched job interview will not ruin our kids’ future. On the contrary, they are great lessons our children can learn from, with our guidance and support.
Being a controlling parent not only impacts the child’s wellbeing negatively, but it also causes a rift in the parent-child relationship. A warm, caring and happy childhood is actually the best predictor of a child’s future success.
Final Thoughts On Helicopter Parents
There is nothing wrong to want to be a better parent. However, the desire to raise successful kids or constant comparison with other parents can push parents to become overly involved hurting our children’s development.
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