What is reactive parenting
Reactive parenting is parenting based on an intense emotional reaction to a child’s misbehavior. This parenting style usually leads to frequent punitive punishment and aggression in both the parent and the child.
A reactive parent reacts with anger, frustration, or fear. They can explode out of frustration hurting their children emotionally and damaging the parent-child relationship.
What causes reactive parenting
Researchers have found that three elements can affect which parenting style a parent uses. They are:
- Child’s characteristics,
- Parent’s personality, and
- Parent’s psychological well-being
Together, these three factors are strong predictors of the type of parenting used1.
Families with reactive parents usually have temperamentally difficult children2.
Some reactive parents tend to have a dysfunctional attributional style. Often, they attribute the child’s misbehavior to malicious intent. This perspective difference can have a significant impact on how parents respond3.
Parents who believe their whiny children are spoiled, for example, will respond harsher than non-reactive parents who believe their whiny kids are just tired.
A parent who lacks self-regulation and who believes their child misbehaves on purpose then responds intensely with negative emotions to their child’s bad behavior4.
Effects of reactive parenting
Using a reactive approach to parenting can damage the parent-child relationship. It is also one of the most significant and consistent parenting factors associated with child abuse and psychopathology.
It does NOT mean that if you’re a reactive parent, then you must have abused your child. It means if you have an intense emotional response to child behavior, pay attention to the interactions. Then take steps to prevent them from worsening5.
However, when parental reactive negativity is left unaddressed, it may result in maladjustment of children. Over-reactive parenting dysregulates children’s behavior6 and reinforces their oppositional behavior7.
A parent’s reactivity can also serve as a negative example of how to control one’s emotions.
How to stop reactive parenting
Do not lose faith in your parenting ability. Parents are empowered to make changes and avoid parenting reactively.
Here are some practical strategies to help you stop hostile, over-reactive parenting.
Spend time on self-care
You probably have heard this a million times – put on your oxygen mask before helping your child. It is one of the best things you can do for your family. It is important to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of the people you love most8.
Parenting is hard. The stress and pressure can take a toll on you.
Some people think that self-care is just about pampering themselves but it’s not.
Self-care is about taking good care of yourself so you don’t burn out and you can be the best support for your family.
You don’t have to take on a long-term goal like “be healthy” which can be daunting. Start with small steps. Listen to one song, read one chapter in your favorite book, or take a short walk to the mailbox. No matter how busy you are, set aside time to do something that helps you relax. Make it a part of your parenting routine.
By focusing on self-care, you improve your mental health, which also impacts your ability to self-regulate and how you handle a negative situation9,10.
Shift your attributional mindset
It can be upsetting for anyone if they assume a child’s negative behavior is ill-intentioned, but it can be especially difficult for over-reactive parents.
Shift your mindset and think positively about your child. This will also prevent your stress response system from going into a fight-or-flight mode11.
Be mindful of your negative ingrained reactions. By thinking positively about your child, you will also act more compassionately, teaching your child to have empathy for others. Identify your triggers and their relationship to childhood
Stress causes people to do things they are familiar with. Stressed parents may parent in the same way they were raised.
Reactive parents are likely to have reactive parents of their own12.
See if you can identify the triggers of your explosive emotions when your child misbehaves by examining yourself and your childhood. Having this insight will help you avoid being controlled by triggers and recognize them when they appear.
Attune to de-escalate
Emotional attunement is one of the fastest and most effective ways to de-escalate a conflict13.
All of us want to be loved and heard. Children are no different.
When you are emotionally attuned, your child will feel that you understand them. Your child will feel accepted. Being attuned doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. Rather, it means you get them.
Do this by being attentive and aware of their feelings. Be expressive. Tell them you have listened and paid attention to them by using words, facial expressions, and body language to reflect what you see in them.
For example, if they are upset, you can frown and stress, “You are very upset.”
All your child needs sometimes is a hug and the assurance that you understand and everything will be fine.
Attunement is also a powerful way to connect with your child14. By building a strong relationship, you are more likely to avoid fights and conflicts.
Pick your battles
Take a step back and re-evaluate what you are fighting about in your daily lives. Sometimes we get so hung up on our rules that we forget what’s truly important in life.
Does it make sense to cause an emotional stir and take a toll on your mental health to get them to take out the garbage or leave their dirty shoes outside?
Asking them twenty times before they do it can be exhausting. But what will matter more in twenty years – garbage cleared or a good relationship with your child?
Inconsistency in parenting is a common parenting trap that can lead to anger and resentment. If you do not set clear rules and enforce them consistently, things will be chaotic.
Avoid empty threats. Name a consequence you are prepared to enforce, and then follow through on it.
Final thoughts on reactive parenting
Non-reactive parenting requires practice and patience. Follow the steps and allow yourself to make mistakes from time to time. The key is not to let this become your autopilot reaction.
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